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In the short time I’ve been writing
this personal monologue about my experiences in Auburn, I’ve
managed to upset a lot of people in the neighborhood. There are
those who firmly believe it is my earnest intent to think up ways
to piss people off.
That’s only partially true.
Living alone out in the county on Miller Town Road gives me plenty
of time to think, and therein is the rub. That’s how I get
into trouble. . .sitting around the shanty, sipping on a tasty little
pinot and thinking. All of the sudden ideas start popping into my
head, and I delude myself into believing that some of the stuff
is actually either a great truth or very, very funny.
The limiting factor is most people aren’t enjoying wine when
they read my work. A pity.
Some people think I’m talking specifically about them, and
they’d like to squeeze my neck till my shiny bald head turns
blue. I have to plead innocence on this score because anyone who
comes into my joint knows I love everyone, especially if they carry
an American Express Platinum card.
Shoot your mouth off in a small town and you get labeled harshly.
I’ve been called brash, ignorant, an egotist, insecure, unstable,
dangerous, a loud mouth and many other more strident terms that
if used here would cause this email to be blocked by your firewall.
Can’t say this list is inaccurate; perhaps it is simply incomplete.
My leading liability is I’m being honest. I see something,
react to it and think: “Good Lord, am I the only one who believes
this is tragically wrong, or stupid or unfair or fill in the blank.”
In fact, I am not alone on any of the issues I have written about.
What’s amazing to me is the thread of commonality that extends
to so many other small towns. The broad topics I’ve broached
are not unique to Auburn; I hear from people all over the country
who tell me they have dealt with similar issues and experiences.
They applaud me for speaking out, but the very tangible downside
is it is a simple matter to be ostracized in a small town, especially
if you have no fear. And that’s why most people just keep
their mouths shut and go about their business silently.
If you have an opinion and you own a business in a small town, expressing
yourself can be suicidal. People talk with their feet—many
will never say a word to you. Push too hard and you risk having
customers walk away in droves. While there have been times when
my partners would have liked to muzzle me like an unruly Doberman
pinscher, fortunately our business has never been better.
A significant issue I’ve always had to deal with is I am never
satisfied—ask the people close to me. I am relentless and
always keep pushing, occasionally resulting in my undoing. And that’s
a risk I’m taking with this installment of “Only in
Auburn.” This time I am testing the outer limits of the envelope,
potentially inciting the wrath of fully one half of the residents
of this burg.
I suggest you pour yourself a nice glass of something red and we’ll
find out. . .
Seven years ago I came to Auburn a married man, and now I’m
not. In fact as I write this on February 10, I’m marking my
first anniversary of living alone on Miller Town Road.
It’s raining hard and I’m sitting outside on a patio
protected by a corrugated fiberglass roof which magnifies to a crescendo
the sound of rain piercing through the live oaks that surround my
little house. This is the sweetest spot on earth I’ve found
so far to sit and write. I’m smoking a Jamaican Blue String
cigar as murky, frothy water crashes downstream through the boulders
of North Ravine. It’s exciting, perhaps even thrilling, and
it makes me feel good—thanks, I suspect, to the billions of
negative ions pelting me at the moment.
XM radio is blasting from two Bose speakers behind me, but I’m
not concerned about bothering anyone. The only neighbor who might
be disturbed, Uncle Basil, whose red frame house is perched right
on the edge of the creek barely 50 yards away, died Monday at 94.
His nephew and my landlord, Randy Warren, told me that when it was
clear the end was coming for his uncle, he asked if he had any special
instructions. Putting a long life in perspective, Uncle Basil replied,
“Yeah, dig a hole and kick some dirt on me.”
I’m a normal, healthy male (okay, so maybe I’m just
healthy) and I’d really prefer not to live a solitary existence.
Like many single men in my position and of my age, I seek the comfort
and companionship of a woman—someone I can share the joys
of life with—a life that I recognize all too clearly is finite.
But starting over single in a small town like Auburn is more difficult
than attempting to swim up the Middle Fork of the American River
during the spring runoff. And the reasons for that could easily
fill a book.
No doubt about it, I’ve had my share of relationships with
women. I’ve been married and divorced twice, and I’ve
fallen hard for all kinds of women—petite women, ample women
and in-between women. During a working career of traveling around
the world, I’ve encountered exciting women on many continents,
and I’ve learned to value and relish the differences of women
from all cultures, races and backgrounds. At the end of the day,
I just appreciate women—period.
In all of my experience, though, I’ve only had true friendships
with two women, both writers. Each influenced my life immensely,
and one—my first mentor—has passed on. The other—and
she will read this and know I am speaking to her and about her—is
someone I bonded with immediately on a purely intellectual level.
She is a singular woman with whom I connected talking about our
work first; we’ve always been sounding boards for each other
and sources of encouragement. We met at a publishing conference
at Stanford University, and we’ve actually spent very little
time together. But when I write or call, I know I’ll always
get what I need. And when I end a conversation or letter, I always
say, “I love you,” because it is the truth.
**********
In a recent New York Times report, the Census Bureau revealed through
its “American Community Survey” that for the first time
ever, less than half of all U.S. households are made up of married
couples. And, remarkably, 27% of all households consist of people
living alone.
This came as no surprise to me because it matches up very closely
with the demographics of the customers of Carpe Vino, which generally
attracts wine lovers over the age of 40. On any given night, I can
look across the bar and my patrons are a mix of middle-aged singles,
couples living together as well as a diminishing number of those
who are happily married (or at least wish to exhibit that impression).
The fact is when you match the trends of a graying America with
an escalating divorce rate, the result is a ton of available people
floating around, many of whom are conflicted about entering into
another committed relationship. Divorce takes a heavy toll financially
and emotionally (duh), and despite the physical imperatives, many
people—men and women alike—are loathe to get involved
again, but for some inexplicable reason most keep trying.
And this hormonally-unstable state of affairs can only create substantial
frustration and potential anguish for the combatants, especially
those who live in small communities such as Auburn. I am uniquely
qualified to discuss these issues knowledgably because I successfully
completed undergraduate survey courses in psychology and sociology
30 years ago, plus I’ve been paying attention standing behind
the bar at Carpe Vino for the past four and one-half years. Trust
me to be your guide.
Break it down to base components, and trying to hook up in a small
town is like being back in high school. The only differences are
the campus encompasses the entire city and you no longer have to
worry about being carded.
Everyone knows everyone else and women are especially adept and
being intimately aware of key facts. They know every single male’s
history, weaknesses and strengths as communicated through underground
networks cleverly cloaked as “book clubs.” As far as
I have been able to determine, these are actually subversive organizations
where women meet frequently, ostensibly to talk about a novel currently
recommend by Oprah Winfrey. In truth, these confabs are for the
expressed purpose of consuming liberal quantities of Kendall Jackson
Chardonnay, intelligence sharing about eligible men and for the
exchange of invitations to sex toy parties.
Book club meetings can be the death knell for single men. Behave
poorly, and news will travel quickly. Gentlemen, if suddenly you
are unable to get a date, you’ve been black-balled by a book
club, all of which are connected via fiber optic cables for high-speed
transmission of the latest gossip.
In response to this unnerving trend, last year I launched “Gary’s
Evening Book Club,” the first meeting of which was heavily
attended by Auburn’s finest gentlemen. The invitation was
compelling: “Join us for an opportunity to enjoy fine wine,
cigars and great food in a female-free environment.” No book
was assigned.
Miller Town Road was jammed with the vehicles of enthusiastic participants.
We spent the evening farting and belching with impunity, while munching
on barbequed elk and downing icy cans of Miller Genuine Draft. The
highlight was viewing an Oscar De la Hoya PPV fight. Wow, what a
night!
The only residual problem is my male friends are constantly pressuring
me to schedule another book club evening. I would love to do this,
but now all of my free time is consumed researching and writing
“Only in Auburn.”
I am delighted to report that I have definitively traced the essential
divide that exists between mature men and women engaged in the age-old
ritual of dating. After conducting exhaustive research and through
the lens of my own experience, I am pleased to shed light on this
phenomenon by postulating “The Hierarchy of Needs of Women.”
It is a fairly simple exercise in observation, but the fact is women
who have been divorced for any period of time have created a new,
independent life for themselves, and they can survive quite nicely
without the interference and complication of a man. Forget about
the fact that they are unwilling to trust a man again or risk a
making a commitment. The reality is finding a man is at the very
bottom of the list of priorities of many single, mature women. Here
is what they value most:
1. Children. No negotiation here. It is a nearly universal proposition
that a woman’s children are her number-one priority, no matter
what their age. Women will not make any compromises when it comes
to children. Additionally, women will do their best to shield their
children from any male interest as long as possible. Meet the kids,
and you’re making progress in a relationship. Children come
first, second and third. Men must understand, accept and accommodate
this fact.
2. Extended families. Surviving parents and siblings are top of
mind with most women. When the needs of family are involved, a man
goes to the back of the line. Don’t expect to be invited to
any family events, because that would assume some sort of connection.
. .and that’s unlikely to happen. Men must understand, accept
and accommodate these facts.
3. Girl friends. Women are able to survive cataclysmic events in
their lives—on a substantive level—because of their
sympathetic relationships with other women. They go through traumas
together and provide each other a very real mutual support system
(see “book clubs”). Women value each other in ways that
transcend the comprehension of men. Presented with the option of
having dinner with a man or fulfilling a nebulous plan with a girl
friend, the man always sucks hind teat. Men must understand, accept
and accommodate this fact.
4. Jobs. A girl has to make a living, and a man will always be subservient
to this need. In fact, women quite rightly extract significant pleasure
from their work often to the extent that it supplants the most basic
needs of a male companion. This is not an issue of over compensation
in m view; it is simply the fact that women enjoy what they are
doing (gents. . .beware of women in real estate). Men must understand,
accept and accommodate this fact.
5. Compelling outside interests. The plain fact is women aren’t
sitting around waiting for a man to call. Most lead rich, full lives
packed with outside interests. In this part of the world, women
are addicted to endurance sports of all sorts: running, mountain
biking, kayaking, hiking, you name it. I don’t know where
they are running to or from, but women seem to be in perpetual motion.
And if they’re not, they are going back to school, are active
in a service club, running for public office or doing something
that demands tons of time. Men must understand, accept and accommodate
these facts.
6. A cocker spaniel. It seems most women have the need to love and
nurture something warm and fuzzy. Gents, please resist the temptation
to think, “Geez, I wish she treated me as nicely as Fido.”
Men must understand, accept and accommodate this fact.
7. A man. Isn’t this a depressing truth? Men come in, sadly,
at number 7. It seems that Tuesday evenings for dinner are usually
open. And then there are the biological urgencies that must be quenched
from time to time—and men better be ready to step up. Men
must understand, accept and accommodate these facts.
Understanding the “Hierarchy of Needs of Women” leads
directly to another concept of which a man seeking the attentions
of a woman must embrace: “Waiting for the Call.” Come
into Carpe Vino any evening and you’ll seen grown men clutching
their cell phones in rapt anticipation, Waiting for the Call. That’s
because the woman they are chasing has been presented with a set
of options, and she is trying to determine the best program for
the evening. Maybe it’s accommodating her BF; maybe not. Some
less charitable observers would call this a control issue.
Mature men of the 21st Century were shaped by the mores of the 1950s.
There are certain things we have been conditioned to accept that
are simply no longer operative in a brave new world. Men in 2007
must reevaluate the behaviors of their fathers and make smarter
decisions in harmony with a new age. Here’s my top-six list
of faux-pas made by mature men today:
1. Resist picking up every check. Every mature man I know pays for
everything, and I don’t understand why. When you enter into
a new relationship, the financial resources of each party are essentially
unknown, yet the man for some reason is always expected to pay the
freight. This is in direct contradiction with the notion that today’s
women are independent. If that is true, then a reasonable person
would expect that everyone should be willing to contribute at a
level consistent with their ability to pay. If a man pays for everything,
then exactly what is he paying for? This is a question that makes
me uncomfortable, and it is better answered by a woman. Money always
complicates matters, but it is a traditional base measurement that
cannot be dismissed easily. At Carpe Vino, I’ve never seen
a woman on a date pay for anything—no kidding. In fact, I
recently served a blind-date couple who were in the process of settling
up. The woman argued half-heartedly to pay half and I stopped her
saying, “The first time any woman pays for anything at this
bar, I’m buying everyone a glass of whatever they are drinking.”
I’m confident I’ll never have to make good. (And, yes,
of course, women who come in groups happily pay their own checks.)
2. Resist the urge to send flowers. A classic error. This is a deadly
mine field because anything you send incorporates a connotation,
almost all of which men have no understanding. Do you send red roses
or white? How about a combination of red and white? For goodness
sake, don’t ever send a fruit basket. When it comes to flowers,
Gents, spend your money judiciously.
3. Resist buying jewelry. This is another rookie mistake. Present
a woman with a gift of jewelry and what message are you sending?
Don’t spend enough and you are a piker. Spend too much and
what are your expectations? If/when your relationship ends, the
bling is either returned to you or ends up in a bottom drawer—never
again to sparkle in the light of day. My advice at this juncture,
Gents, your 401k is better served with the attention.
4. Don’t disrupt a woman’s routine. Many women gain
a huge sense of comfort from the daily routine they create for themselves.
Disrupt this at your own peril. Gents, your assignment is to be
unobtrusive.
5. Don’t display signs of weakness. Exhibit your feminine
side, and you are in big trouble. Be wary in cooking for your woman
or breaking out a bottle of “The Body Shop’s”
finest. Women don’t trust men who display sensitivity. It
is foreign to them.
6. Never, ever tell a woman you love her, even if you really do.
This is the #1 deal killer. If there is a fire burning, tell a woman
you lover her and you put yourself on an express train to the end
of the line. Gents, take my advice and keep your feelings to yourself
and just enjoy the ride as long as it lasts—and it probably
won’t.
And that leads to another relationship theorem that I have postulated.
“The rules of engagement regarding intimacy have been turned
upside down.” To quote one of my favorite rockers, Tina Turner,
“What’s love got to do with it anyway?” I’m
Old School, and much to my dismay, I’ve learned that intimacy
has no real connection with a higher state of emotional being.
That’s all there is to it.
Here’s the biggest problem as I see it, at the risk of appearing
maudlin (at this point, why should I care?): Can anyone in middle
age remember what it was like the first time they fell in love?
The precise moment when the only thing you could see was the person
of your affections? When nothing else mattered, and it was us against
the world? When you were willing to invest everything in another
person with no expectations in return?
I’m trying to remember. I’m desperate to remember. But
it was such a long time ago, and Thomas Wolfe had it right—you
can’t go home again.
When I’m working behind the bar at Carpe Vino, sometimes I
swear I must be invisible. That’s because some of the things
women say in my presence is astounding. In a single conversation,
I overheard a woman describe chasing an ex-husband across state
lines to collect child support and in the next breath outline her
view of the “perfect package” in a replacement.
This whole concept engineered by women of finding the “perfect
package” is tied directly to another oft-heard statement:
“This time I’m not just settling for the first man who
comes along; I’m going to be very picky.” It’s
as if women can go to Nordstrom’s Rack and select a man simply
by searching through the hangars. If only.
The typical profile of the broadly imagined “perfect package”
makes it easy to comprehend why 27% of America’s households
are headed by a single person. Here’s what women want in a
man:
1. Appearance: Women want a man who is minimally six feet tall,
handsome (preferably “ruggedly” so), proportionally
trim, fit and active athletically. Bonus points for a Palm Beach
tan, a full head of wavy salt-and-pepper hair and a clef chin.
2. Financial Picture: Women want a man who has a great job (with
vested 401k package) grossing a minimum of $100k per year. Men making
over $150k move to the head of the pack. Gents, if you have major
equity in a company or vested options, you punch your own ticket.
3. Home Ownership: Women want a man who owns a home and lives alone.
Men who live in a gated community or on a golf course earn an immediate
first date. If no bank holds a mortgage on your property, Gents,
you are golden.
4. Perks: Women want a man who can take them places. . .out to dinner
frequently and traveling any time they can get away.
Alright, alright, I can already hear the chorus of piercing boos
from the ladies reading this, but be honest and don’t deny
that economics and appearance—perhaps not to the degree outlined—do
factor into your winnowing process as you consider options in available
men. Sorry to say that in a small town, the pool of prospects can
be mighty limited.
The fact is that the men described above do exist, but most are
married to women 20 years their junior. Either that, or they are
happily engaged in a relationship with another man.
When I look into the mirror and stack myself up against the idealized
“perfect package,” I know I’m toast (which I am
anyway after writing this piece). I’ve got a 28-inch inseam,
I’m bald, most babies cry when we’re introduced, and
as my regular readers will attest, I don’t run anywhere. I
don’t have a regular job and my anemic 401k portfolio is on
life support thanks to being hacked up in multiple mediations. On
the plus side I don’t have a mortgage. . .ah, because I no
longer own a home (which I find to be quite liberating, actually).
I do love to travel, but it’s hard to find a chick willing
to ride perched on the back of a Harley.
In all of my conversations with men, I have never had a single guy
tell me what he was looking for in a woman—that the perfect
woman would embody a specific set of attributes (other than cup
size and related crucial features). That’s because most men
are just plain shallow and because they really don’t care
what a woman does or doesn’t have. The plain truth is most
men are first attracted to a woman physically, and if they manage
to hook up, then they try to deal with any associated baggage. (Perhaps
it is the same with some women; I don’t have a clue because
I’ve never asked. Maybe I should.)
I fit the profile of real world of men who can be characterized
as “imperfect packages.” We are deficient in multiple
categories, but all of us have remarkable, redeemable features—far
beyond having a great sense of humor. And we have to make the best
of what we’ve been dealt and hope it’s enough for at
least one open-minded woman out there someplace.
So the search goes on.
During the time I have been single and through observation in my
wine bar, I have encountered a number of red flags when it comes
to seeking out a new relationship. It is clear that dating is a
scary place to be, and anyone involved—especially those just
merging on to the freeway—should beware of the following:
1. Match.Com and other services. The purpose of Match.Com is to
help single people find a person in their area who supposedly “matches”
their interests and fits a predetermined, ideal profile. While some
people no doubt are successful in using such services, I think they
are dangerous and do more harm than good. Few people describe themselves
accurately, and after you read a few profiles, they all begin sounding
the same. (Fortunately, the majority of people seem to appreciate
“wine tasting” as an interest.) The biggest problem
is there are so many people available online, far too many people
are compelled to continue looking for the “perfect person.”
Users become compulsive about the systems and are constantly online.
At the end of the day, there is no substitute for simply going out
and finding someone yourself.
2. Serial daters. This is a corollary to the point above. First
dates have to happen somewhere and my wine bar is a popular meeting
place. We are delighted to serve as a locale for introductions,
but some people take it to the extreme. One Match guy came in three
nights in a row with three different women and had dinner at the
same table each time. It appeared as though he was determined to
work his way through our entire menu as well as all of the single
women in town. We haven’t seen him again, so he was probably
black-balled. Lots of people have met for at least a half dozen
or more Match dates in the joint. Guess you have to give people
credit for determination.
3. The “structurally single.” Another pitfall is to
unknowingly encountering someone who continues to date but has no
intention or is unable to enter into a committed relationship. You
are taken through the entire arch of doing the dance of starting
and nurturing a relationship—and then it is over and you don’t
know why. You spend a lot of time trying to figure it out, and there
just isn’t a good answer.
4. The experience factor. If you do anything long enough and often
enough you get good at it, and that is all too true in dating. As
an extension of the point above, with the experience of moving though
relationships, people learn how quickly turn on an off. It’s
part of relationship churn, I guess.
5. The impact of technology. The influence of the Internet on dating
has been huge, as alluded to above. Email has changed dramatically
how people dating communicate, making it much easier to broach difficult
topics without having to do it on the phone or face to face. Complicating
this is the written word can be interpreted in many ways, so if
you employ email for an important message, you do so at you own
peril. Plus, email exchanges can escalate and get out of hand before
anyone knows what has happened. Same thing with cell phone instant
messaging. And, of course, either technology can be used to terminate
a relationship.
**********
After a year of being unattached in Auburn, it is clear to me that
even at the age of 56, I am clueless about what I’m doing.
As difficult (and sometimes painful) as trying to find a new relationship
is, I’ve met some really wonderful people in the process,
and I know all they are doing is trying to find a small measure
of happiness. The problem is, all of us, every single person, has
the perception of being burned badly in the past—many multiple
times—and it’s just a big mountain to climb again. When
something hurts, you learn to avoid it.
The compelling thing that keeps us in the game, though, is most
of us don’t have a choice. For most people, it is just too
much of a struggle to contain primal needs and to overcome memories
of the good times we’ve had in relationships. Most everyone—if
they are honest with themselves--wants to be in that place again.
If after reading this you have the impression I am cynical about
the world of mature dating, you should know that my cynicism encompasses
a wide territory. But as I said at the beginning of this piece,
I am not going to go through life alone and I am perpetually optimistic.
Life is a much sweeter passage when you do it with a companion you
care about. And as I said, I love women and I’m going to find
one somewhere.
But probably not in Auburn.
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